The Click-Bait Headline Thread

IYKYK

Disney World Theme Park Called To Permanent Shut Down, Nearing Expiration (Blizzard Beach is closed for refurbishment)

Children Restricted From Knott’s Berry Farm, Closure Extension Confirmed for America’s 1st Theme Park (The new Camp Snoopy opening date has been pushed back)

Disney Guest Loses Entire Row of Teeth; Fans Prompt Resort-Wide Search (Someone posted a photo of an old set of dentures in the bushes at Pop Century)

Disney’s Sugar Empire Crumbles: Boycott Surges Amid Horrific Employee Accusations, Shutdown Imminent (Employees at Gideons Bakehouse at Disney Springs are calling for a work environment)

Dolly Parton Partners With Krispy Kreme After Canceling All Future Public Appearances (Dolly Parton partners with Krispy Kreme)

Final Decision: Dollywood's Future Unveiled Post-Controversial Closure (Dollywood offers rain checks)

Major News Station Steps in After Mother Is Forced To Cancel Disney Trip (The Disney parks were closed in 2020 at the start of COVID)

Hundreds Denied Immediate Access to Disney Parks Due to New Heightened Security Measures (Disney has security checks)

Universal Studios Faces First-Ever Total Theme Park Closure in Florida (The Minion Cafe is closing for a five day refurbishment)

Pregnant Woman Sliced at EPCOT, Blood Gushes Everywhere (A woman accidentally broke a glass cookie jar in an Epcot gift shop which caused what essentially amounted to a paper cut. The park also comped her a free cookie jar)

Floor Stained With Blood After Brutal Injury at Disney World Gift Shop (The same article as above)

Disney Skyliner Closed After Woman Crushed Between Gondola Doors (A woman got her backpack caught in the doors. They briefly stopped continuous motion to make sure she was able to get it)

Five-Year-Old Disney Ride Closes During Storm, Guests Abandoned on Board (When they close the Skyliner for bad weather, the guests currently in a gondola still proceed to their destination)

Operational Changes To Be Implemented Immediately at America's 1st Theme Park (Knott's Soak City opened for the season)

Dolly Parton Suffers Tragic Passing After Film Legend is Confirmed Dead (Dabney Coleman passed away at 92. He was the boss in 9 to 5. Sidenote - they must be getting extra clicks with Dolly Parton content lately. Almost every day is some variation on Dolly Parton is dead and/or Dollywood is closed forever because their rides kill puppies)

Iconic Walt Disney Attraction Faces Permanent Closure, Damage and Health Concerns Reported (Don't drink the 'it's a small world' water)

BrettV:

Sidenote - they must be getting extra clicks with Dolly Parton content lately. Almost every day is some variation on Dolly Parton is dead and/or Dollywood is closed forever because their rides kill puppies)

Dolly Parton has taken over the place of Betty White. She's the new beloved old lady icon. Rightfully so, I may add. But yes, this leads to her name being fodder for clickbait and the like.

Remember this one that seemed to pop up every few weeks? "Betty White Dyes." - (A woman in her 90's dyes her hair for publicity photos.)

Six Flags Threatened With Closure Fate, Theme Park Signage Indicates Grim Future (The Six Flags/Cedar Fair merger is expected to 'close' later this year. Signage shows the new $1.30 surcharge on merchandise)

Paramedics Flood Magic Kingdom After Space Mountain Accident Leaves Woman With Brain Injury, Guest Suffers Brain Injury on Space Mountain Attraction; Fans Push for Ride to Closure (A guest hit her head and the in-park First Aid team tended to the guest. In an unrelated note, some people think Space Mountain at WDW is rough and outdated)

Warning Issued: Disney Totally Changing Park Ticket System (Tokyo Disneyland is adding more ticketing options)

Disney Park Endures Total Shutdown This Summer Amid Widespread Closures (Avengers Assemble at Disneyland Paris had an unplanned day and a half extended downtime)

Universal Park Sends Hundreds Into Panic as ‘Mass Casualty Response Unit’ Arrives on Site (Big ambulance style vehicles are on site at a working movie studio)

Entire Disney World Park Condemned, Permanent Shutdown Feared (It's hot in Florida and many guests wonder why Disney still only keeps one waterpark open at a time)

These are still a wonderful collection of annoying, amazing, appalling, and entertaining.

Severe Safety Alert: Disney Guests at Risk While Flying, Hundreds of Boeing Planes Set to Explode (Boeing is going though some things right now and The Daily Mail released a piece that Boeing says was 'misleading and reckless' and 'makes incorrect connections and sensationalizes.' Oh the irony)

As an Airbus guy, I don't see the exaggeration. Why are you posting this here?

Hashtagsarcasm.

Disney World Announces Preferential Treatment for Certain Guests, Refuses To Serve Others (Annual Passholders get discounts at certain dining/merchandise locations)

Disney Shutters Iconic Theme Park Area; Fans Mourn Loss of 10+ Attractions (There are 10 attractions currently on the Disneyland refurbishment schedule. Not all 10 will be closed at the same time)

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad Closed Weeks After Child Tossed off Roller Coaster (A throwback to this one from a few months ago. A few weeks after the 'emotional discovery' of an old photo in the Big Thunder queue, the ride went down one day)

Paperwork Filed: Big Thunder Mountain Hit With Mechanical Notice (Building permits have been filed for the expansions said to be taking place in Frontierland)

Patriotic Attractions Facing Closures at “Woke” Walt Disney World (The American Heritage Gallery at World Showcase is closing for a week to refresh the exhibit and reopen as 'Portraits of Courage' that will honor veterans)

Days Numbered as Fans Turn From EPCOT Ride (Someone started a Reddit thread saying they didn't think the Ratatouille ride was worth the 2 hour wait)

Man Strips Naked at EPCOT, Disney Allegedly Buries Incident (A guy saw a streaker at Epcot. His Tiktok video of the situation didn't hit the news)

Tiana’s Bayou Adventure Canceled: Disney Releases Urgent Notice (There was some downtime during a Cast Preview event)

Disney Condemns All Transportation From Theme Park Without Notice (The parking tram at Disneyland experienced a delay/downtime)

Bodies “Pulled Out” of Disney Ride, Incident Documented on Video (There was an evac on the 20,000 Leagues ride at Tokyo Disneyland)

Child Flies Out of Disneyland Ride After Not Using Seatbelt (A Tiktoker cosplayed as Gonch and didn't have his seatbelt fastened on Mission Breakout and had a little more airtime than the rule following seatbelt wearers)

Man Climbs Roller Coaster Tracks, Claims He’s Captain America (Man Climbs Roller Coaster Tracks, Claims He’s Captain America)

Tower of Terror Ceases Operations After 29 Years, Police Shut Down Ride (A fire alarm went off in the Tower of Terror building and security cleared the area, reset the alarm, and allowed guests back in)

Health Alert: Disney Guests Urged to Cancel Vacations Due to Violent Illness (It's summer and heat related illness is a thing)

Cast Members Held Hostage at Disneyland, Theme Park Refuses To Provide Update(A union contract is about to expire)

Disney Cast Members Banned From Negativity, Forced To Smile (Disney Cast Members Banned From Negativity, Forced To Smile)

Upcoming Disney World Closures Alarms Thousands of Guests, Affecting Summer Plans (Test Track is being reimagined)

Walt Disney World Resort Area Hotel Under Fire for Bondage Themed Pride Decorations (An inflatable bear in BDSM gear is in front of the Crown Plaza)

Disney Cast Member Warns All Guests After Fatal Accident (There was an accident on the 'America Sings' attraction at Disneyland in 1974)

Disney on “High Alert,” Cast Member Issues Warning (Florida gets thunderstorms in the summer)

Animal Tries To Kidnap Child At Popular Park, Update Given (A giraffe at a drive-thru animal park in Texas tried to pick up a kid)

Popular Amusement Park Allegedly Scraps Multi-Million-Dollar Coaster, Drastic Changes Rumored (A satirical Twitter/X account posted a fake headline about Top Thrill 2 closing for another rebuild until 2027 and the AI bots that create the magical inside clickbait apparently didn't pick up on the sarcasm of the headline)

Cedar Point Settles Multi-Million-Dollar Changes Following Amusement Park Emergency (The camels got out and ran around. Top Thrill 2 is still closed)

Universal Announces the End of ‘Jurassic World,’ ‘Harry Potter’ Attractions at Parks (At the end of August summer themed entertainment in the parks will end and fall themed entertainment will begin)

Priced Out of Disney, Guests Are Fleeing to a New Resort (Indoor waterparks have been a popular thing for the last 20 years)

BrettV:

Cedar Point Settles Multi-Million-Dollar Changes Following Amusement Park Emergency (The camels got out and ran around. Top Thrill 2 is still closed)

I realize these headlines are AI generated, but what does “settles multi-million dollar changes” even mean?

It never occured to me that this was AI, I thought it was just run by morons.

It’s likely that both of those things are true.

Six Flags Set to Close All Original Parks Forever (The Cedar Fair/Six Flags merger is set to be finalized July 1)

Safety Alert: Disney World Forced To Cancel Show as Deadly Mobs Take Over (The new drone show at Disney Springs has been cancelled a few times for weather and technical issues. It also gets crowded for the show)

Guest Drowns Outside Pool at Deluxe Disney Hotel (Another one of those lowest of the low headlines. During very heavy rains a guest videoed the water pooling and falling from the roof onto the pool area at Wilderness Lodge)

Guest Suffocated on Board Tiana’s Bayou Adventure, Ride Canceled (A guest that attended the Tiana's Bayou Adventure passholder preview had their poncho fly up into their face creating a funny on-ride photo. On an unrelated note, Disney is woke for cancelling Splash Mountain)

Disney Plans to Drench Theme Park in Fiery Inferno, Damage Incoming (Disneyland Paris is getting a new night show)

Corpse Found Rotting on Disney World Ride, Cast Member Says (one of the giraffes at Animal Kingdom passed away)

Historic American Theme Park Sets Final Closure, No Reopening Date Listed (Michigan's Adventure is closed today because of an area wide power outage after bad storms)

Dolly Parton Releases Rapid Statement Amid Dollywood’s Battle With The Walt Disney Company (TripAdvisor released a meaningless Top 10 list. Disney parks were on it, as was Dollywood)

Disney Closing Popular ‘Buzz Lightyear’ Theme Park Ride (Disneyland Paris' Buzz Lightyear ride is closed for a pre-scheduled one week refurbishment)

Disney World Stops Supporting Multiple Languages at All Theme Park Gates (Printed maps aren't a big deal anymore so you have to stop by Guest Relations if you need one in some of the lesser in-demand languages)

Disney Asks Ticket Holders to Leave, Suspends Park Entry for Several Days (July 4th blockout dates are coming next week)

Disney World Character Permanently Disfigured as Petrified Guests Watch (A new t-shirt featuring Lilo & Stitch shows Stitch's left foot with four toes instead of three)

Six Flags Ceases Operations of 154-Year-Old Theme Park Giant, Termination Finalized (A sign at Cedar Point is getting redone)

Disney Condemns American Guests From Booking Future Vacations, “Stay Home” (Tokyo Disneyland has some challenging navigational issues on their website for international visitors)

14,000 Disney Cast Members Threaten To Permanently Shut Down Disneyland (It's union contract time at Disneyland)

National Advisory: All Disney World Visitors Officially Required to Cancel Trips Due to Invading Safety Threat (It's even hotter than usual in Central Florida this summer)

Official: Six Flags Moving to Charlotte; Is Carowinds Closing Permanently? (No, it's not)