Bible Park USA

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 12:26 PM
"Exodus Cafe": Basically, you stand in a long queue for 40 years where at the end you can buy milk and honey (not to be confused for your near by Six Flags park where you stand in every queue for what seems like 40 years).

"Circus Maximus Persecution Petting Zoo": Guests can entere the ring and have up close up encounters with hungry lions, tigers, jackels and other assorted wild beasts.

ALSO....

Guests are also encouraged to read all the tules and policies of the park, such as...

1. No line jumpers. Violators will be doomed to HELL!

2. No smoking. Violators will be doomed to HELL!

3. Children must be kept under parental supervision at all times. Any children not obeying (i.e. honoring) their parents will, in accordance with Commandment 5, be doomed to HELL!

4. Shoes and shirts must be worn at all times. Violators will be doomed to HELL!

etc.

The entire list of rules (all 95 of them) will be nailed to the door of Guest Services for all to read.

AND plans are being made for next season!

In the Catholic themed section of the park... the Skee Ball arcade is being replaced with the ultimate Bingo parlor

A new HolyWater coaster will also be opening in 2008.

*** Edited 4/18/2007 4:29:10 PM UTC by SLFAKE***


"Yes... well... VICTORY IS MINE!"
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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 12:43 PM

OhioStater said:
Every night at 9:45 pm before the park closes there's a crucifixion on the main stage.

Why limit it to just one? They should have a crucifixion-themed standup coaster. It wouldn't hurt as much as OTSR's, and would only increase the loading time by a little bit. I can't think of any good names for it though.

The Rack: An Inquisition-themed Vekoma flyer.

The Almighty: An airtime-filled wooden coaster. No lapbars. Faith will keep true believers from getting launched into the midway.

The Rapture: Intamin rocket coaster.

Perdition: A purgatory-themed runaway mine train.


Ben Ryker

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 12:48 PM
And lo, the false prophets of Intamin were roundly condemned for their deceitful promises of 95% uptime on the Rapture:Going up to Glory stratacoaster...or, for that matter, that the angel wings on the back of the trains wouldn't fly off and smack somebody.

Chief maintenance engineer Falwell's laying of hands didn't help much, either.

-CO


NOTE: Severe fecal impaction may render the above words highly debatable.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 1:02 PM

SLFAKE said:

Guests are also encouraged to read all the tules and policies of the park, such as...

1. No line jumpers. Violators will be doomed to HELL!

2. No smoking. Violators will be doomed to HELL!

3. Children must be kept under parental supervision at all times. Any children not obeying (i.e. honoring) their parents will, in accordance with Commandment 5, be doomed to HELL!

4. Shoes and shirts must be worn at all times. Violators will be doomed to HELL!


*** Edited 4/18/2007 4:29:10 PM UTC by SLFAKE***


I guess that leaves us with drinking! Woohoo, pass the wine, boys! the Last supper Cafe is open for business!!!!
:)


Great Lakes Brewery Patron...

-Mark

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 1:21 PM

SLFAKE said:


3. Children must be kept under parental supervision at all times. Any children not obeying (i.e. honoring) their parents will, in accordance with Commandment 5, be doomed to HELL!


I think that's wrong. Disrespectful/disobedient children should be stoned to death immediately, THEN condemned to HELLLLLLLLLLL!


Ben Ryker

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 1:34 PM
^Stone them is right! And you charge 3 bucks for 4 rock throws! Talk about income potential! No SSI, Workemans comp. Only expense is the burial, and theres plenty of wasted pallets to build coffins with.


Yeah, Stone the Sinner. Win the BIG prize for a solid headshot! A new challenge with every new Sinner!
;)

( i do love how this thread is going... lol)


Great Lakes Brewery Patron...

-Mark

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 1:59 PM
I'm also confused about this:

Is your first born son the price of parking or admition?

If it's for parking, is it free if I put lambs blood on the car doors?


Thanks for another great season, VF!

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 2:36 PM
oooh That was bad! What about a "Seven Deadly Sins" ice cream parlout? Each flavor is more sinful AND devilish than the last.

Coaster Junkie from NH
I drive in & out of Boston, so I ride coasters to relax!

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 2:44 PM
The park will, of course, have to be closed on the Sabbath, which won't be great for business. Either that, or they will remain open and guests will be bound by scripture to stone the workers to death at the end of each Saturday or Sunday, depending on their denomination.

Ben Ryker

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 3:15 PM
I can't understand this park, or its placement. I get that the area is religious, but is it not also very conservatively religious? I can't figure out a way that this park can be done without either being viewed as blasphemous by the religious right, or accepted by the same people and yet incredibly boring for anyone who isn't strongly religious. I personally would enjoy a tongue-in-cheek take on religion (perhaps target all, not just christianity), but I can't see that working in the market it's supposed to be placed in, and I can't see myself enjoying a serious religious theme park partly because I'm not that religious and partly because it just sounds boring.

Bill
ಠ_ಠ

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 3:25 PM

BBSpeed26 said:
I can't understand this park, or its placement. I get that the area is religious, but is it not also very conservatively religious? I can't figure out a way that this park can be done without either being viewed as blasphemous by the religious right, or accepted by the same people and yet incredibly boring for anyone who isn't strongly religious. I personally would enjoy a tongue-in-cheek take on religion (perhaps target all, not just christianity), but I can't see that working in the market it's supposed to be placed in, and I can't see myself enjoying a serious religious theme park partly because I'm not that religious and partly because it just sounds boring.

Exactly! I don't think is a good idea at all. If we are going to get an amusement park, it needs to be a GOOD one or there'll be no reason for having one in the first place.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 5:50 PM
OhioStater's avatar Would the entrance gates be pearly?

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 9:50 PM
We still haven't built the Friday Fish Fry stand...

--Greg
"You seem healthy. So much for voodoo."

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007 11:08 PM
Mamoosh's avatar Build a Somdom & Gomorrah Land and I'm in! ;)
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Thursday, April 19, 2007 12:04 AM
I guess a carousel is out of the question:

Exodus 20:4 "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven...earth...water."

Deuteronomy 27:15 "Cursed be the man that maketh any graven or molten image."

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Thursday, April 19, 2007 12:07 AM
On the other hand, they could cut their operating costs by employing slaves:

Leviticus 45-46 "Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, ...and they shall be your possession...they shall be your bondmen forever."

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Thursday, April 19, 2007 1:07 AM
The article discribes the park as a "educational and non-evangelical park". Question: What else can people be "educated" about at a bible based park other than evangelical ideas?
Roller Coasters...my first true love.
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Thursday, April 19, 2007 1:10 AM

Rob Ascough said:
Oops... sorry Tony. Somehow I missed your post. But in my defense, I came up with the idea of combo-ing it with a Noah's Ark walkthrough ;)

Dang you got me there. Well Played.

SLFlake I like the "Circus Maximus Persecution Petting Zoo" Idea. We can also have a Lion Petting exhibit called the Lions Den? *** Edited 4/19/2007 5:20:02 AM UTC by TonyBlackjack***

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Thursday, April 19, 2007 9:09 AM
The WWJD league could hold Holy Book Smackdown XVIIII there!

Would 'Matzoh Man' Randy Leibowitz prevail against "Apostle' John Cena in the Apocalyptic Cage Match? There's only one way to find out!

If you can't get tickets to the park those days, there's always tithe-per-view...

-CO


NOTE: Severe fecal impaction may render the above words highly debatable.

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Thursday, April 19, 2007 9:38 AM
HaHa Undertaker Vs. John Cena in the Hell in a Cell Match.
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