Posted Monday, November 25, 2002 4:18 AM | Contributed by Childs
Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors announced today its for-real-this-time launch at http://absolutelyreliable.com. The site launched initially in early September has brought mirth to hundreds of thousands of readers; with the new domain, it expects to see its traffic zoom to levels approaching those reached by Yahoo!.
Contemporaneous with the new URL, ARN&R announced the opening of its long-awaited and poorly-stocked store, Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, at http://absolutelyreliable.com/shoppe. At opening, the shop had three hastily-designed shirts for sale at excessive prices, including one t-shirt referencing suet and ARN&R-branded boxer shorts. Within hours of the store’s opening, the store’s servers went down, due presumably to the massive traffic resulting from ARN&R’s adoring readers. At press time, ending a national nightmare, the server had been returned to service.
ARN&R comprehensively covers all aspects of the amusement industry, with stories covering S&S Power’s expansion into meat and meat-related products; Congressman Ed Markey’s attack on the dangers of shuffleboard; enthusiasts’ inability to spell, date, or speak about anything besides coasters; ’80s metal band Ratt’s desire to get a coaster themed after it, Six Flags’s prototype “parking lot”-themed coaster; Cedar Fair’s decision to rename itself Seven Banners; and Paramount’s 2003 plans to give free lettuce to all patrons in response to Holiday World’s successful free soda promotion.
Early reviews of ARN&R have been overwhelmingly positive. Noted literary critic “mrceagle” noted: “As a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all [sic] of my family take parks very seriuslyand [sic] all thow [sic] we laffed [sic] after time we were apoled [sic] by the joke.”
The above press release contains forward-looking statements and should not be relied upon for anything. Any suggestion of traffic levels or any other factual assertions should be taken with a grain of salt roughly the size of Dom Delouise. ARN&R is a wholly owned subsidiary of Tremendous Imposition Productions, which is itself a wholly owned subsidiary of Two Porches Productions, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of EACLGCWGCDRC Productions, which is owned by Dick Van Patten (but not the Dick Van Patten you’ve heard of) in an odd corporate structure involving Enron and the National Pork Producers Council. I never thought I’d taste a premade sandwich that good.